Creature of the Night
Though in a deep trance,
Sleeping soundly throughout the day
Even the slightest knock,
Tap, or whisper
May trigger and arouse me.
My circadian rhythm tells me,
Dusk is drawing near
I feel it in my blood.
Now wide awake,
I pursue a snack to nibble on
That will satisfy my empty stomach.
Stirring blindly through the hallways
Relying mainly on taste, touch, smell, and hearing,
I make my way through the maze of adjacent walls
And into the kitchen I go,
Finding myself in such luck
To come across the cheese.
I am a mouse.
Nocturnal in nature.
Physically small,
Emotionally timid,
…and self-reliant.
I am a mouse.
Not straying away from home.
Plain, yet simple,
A dependable, yet assertive being,
Keeping a low profile.
I am a mouse.
Whoa. For a quiet silent person, it's a pretty evil poem. But i really enjoy it. It's a very good poem and realy leaves little room for improvement. Really a little area for improvement. But i have a few things to say. The line where it says "To come across the cheese". You used the word "the" in front of a noun to make it sound like it's a title of another thing. Like "Let's go to the cheese" or you know. Instead of The, may i suggest words like some, good or even take away the word altogether so it's "To come across cheese". it sounds better. Nothing big. But with the amount of words you're reading, it looks like a big thing.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing. You're not really assertive. Kevin was doing the asserting in Ecyber and you were quiet. I see the direction you're going. very nice. I wouldn't change it. But how are you going to make a video? Unless you have a mouse or have rats, you could catch a rat alive or something. i like mice. not rts
What my poem is basically saying is that I wake up late an night to get something to eat, without anyone noticing. The "cheese" is supposed to be a refrigerator. And the rest are adjectives that describe me. Where it says 'assertive,' I wanted to use 'aggressive' or 'competitive' because mice are like that and so am I...in sports? But thanks for the comment.
ReplyDeletehey desiree, great poem. I like how you're telling like a story of the mouse getting cheese by also using metaphors to compare it to yourself. My poem is just telling my personalities and such. :P I think a comparing yourself to a mouse is perfect because it matches you and your personality perfectly. For example, when you said, "Physically small," it matches you because you are small and so are mice, but that might just be to me becasue I'm a giant. :/ haha. Also, when you said, "Keeping a low profile," I thought this matches you because since you are quiet, you do keep a low profile. I also agree with Joseph and about the sentence, "To come across the cheese." For some strange reason, it does seem like title for another thing. But really, it's nothing big.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, you're poem was great. I could barely find anything wrong with it. Good job and good luck with your video, if you haven't done it yet. (:
Hi Desiree,
ReplyDeleteNice job on your poem. I like the way you've chosen to organize it...describing a mouse first and then bringing in your personality in the second half of the poem.
I agree with Joseph and Kristen about "the" and would suggest perhaps "some cheese"?
I also wanted to respond to your comment about being up late to find snacks...try to have your comparison include more that midnight snacking...highlight the other aspects of your personality that correspond to the mouse metaphor as well.
And you may want to add some detail to show mice being aggressive...I don't know that this is a quality that stands out about them...are they aggressive when cornered?
mrs s